The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***

Hey Guys,

I’m coming back with another book review for you! Ok, this book is amazing and I’m going to go ahead and give it 5 stars right now! It’s like you don’t even need to read the review now… but seriously give it a read if you have time! It’s called the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.

Alright this book has actually changed my mentality and how I look at things now that I’ve finished it! Mark Manson brings up some super important points in the funniest way! It’s like he addresses this big problem that relates to you and it’s kind of life changing, but you’re also laughing because it’s funny? You’re like oh this is hilarious and is also me and why am I like this?! I would probably starting crying if he wasn’t making me laugh!

Anyways, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I am part of the group of people that just cares about the small things in life too much! I care about other people’s fights at work, I care about if some stranger yells at me, I care if someone is driving too close to my car, I care about all of these trivial things that don’t matter and shouldn’t be wasting my time on. So now, I’ve started to say F*ck it. It’s not worth my time to care about all of this. If someone doesn’t do their job at work, and leaves me with all this work, I say F*ck it and do my job. If some stranger yells at me (which actually has happened recently), I say F*ck it. None of these problems are in my control. I can’t control how other people react and what they do. I just do what I can and change what I can change, while also not getting worked up about the small things. Whose to say why that stranger yelled at me! I don’t know his story. Maybe he heard bad news about something, maybe he got fired from a job, maybe he hates his job and feels trapped. What I learned from Mark Manson is that sometimes people treat you a certain way because of their own insecurities and that’s what I think about now.

He also helped me with my future. As you heard in recent posts, I want to go to school to be a prop builder for theater productions and for movies eventually. All I’ve heard from people is how much money I’m going to lose going to school and how much I’m going to be poor forever. I shouldn’t bother me, but it creates this fear in you that you didn’t have before! What if nothing comes from it, what if I suck at it, etc. Well how will I ever know if I don’t try! I have this fear of failure, but you could fail at anything in life. You’re always going to have cons to any job you do. However, if the pros outweigh the cons and the struggles are worth it to you, then it’s worth trying! If you can’t except the challenges, then that experience is not worth it for you. Once I read this book, that anxious fear left me, because he’s right. We’ll always have problems, we just have to accept them and embrace them.

Mark Manson talks about a lot of different things like this. He talks about having strong values and gives examples of a weak value of trying to be the most popular at a party or on social media. This is something you can’t control. You can’t force other people to like you and how they feel at a party. And I get this way! Especially now with Instagram’s new algorithm! It sucks to not have people be able to see my pictures, but why is this one of my values at all?

The book is amazing and will make you thing back on your own life and what you can change. It talks about putting yourself out there into the world to get what you want. He talks about feeling emotions, having good values, and losing this sense of entitlement that people sometimes get. He talks about being afraid of success and working hard! I love that he brings up Buddha and talks about accepting that you’re bad at something in order to let yourself go to succeed

His book made me view my life differently. I actually took notes and am trying to practice what he preached!

Thanks for the good book Mark Manson!

Now I’m onto What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty.

Journaling

Sept 23, 2017

Hey Everyone!

I know a while back I talked about my anxiety and then disappeared for a month. I am fine, I was/ still am very busy and at the time I thought “Somethings gotta give.” After a month I realized that it can’t be the blog- it has to be something I don’t like that I’m forcing myself to keep doing. So, I quit my job- 1 of them. I know it’s the same job I’ve been trying to quit for a while, only now I have an exact quit date and found people to replace me. I’m thrilled because now I can officially be done and gone before Mexico!

Anyways, the thing I said last time about my anxiety is that I am a writer. I love writing; it soothes me. Whenever I feel any kind of emotion- I write. It’s what I use to soothe my anxiety and get rid of feelings of failure, sadness, anger, but also it reminds me of the times I am happy! On bad days, I read about the good times and it makes me happier. Now I know everyone is different and it becomes tedious to some, or some people don’t get the same joy out of it and that’s fine! But, for anyone who thinks they’re a bad writer and can’t do it- you’re wrong! You can and also who cares! Over time you’ll get better if anyways. Also, I want to add that any form is fine. Personally, I like to physically write it out, but typing, or video blogs, etc work just the same!

So how did I get started on writing? When I was in grade 6, I got a book for Christmas. It was pink and flowery and surprisingly my favorite because I was such a tom boy. I was at my aunt and uncle’s farm in Saskatchewan, Canada and had the time of my life feeding all of the animals! I wanted to keep talking about it, bit I have told everyone! So- I took my fancy new sparkly gel pens and started a journal writing about all my best moments and experiences. Who knew that 13 years later I would still be journaling! Not only was I able to say anything I wanted, but its been a complete account for my life! Some good memories, , some bad- but my life for 13 years has been documented!

When I got to jr. high, I struggled with my anxiety and even started to self medicate. Journaling helped because when I would read back, I realized I hated what I was doing and it was one of the reasons I stopped.

Journaling has always given me a freedom to say what I want, when I want, without consequence. This is good! If I’m frustrated with someone or something, I can write it out and feel better without hurting anyone’s feelings or causing problems and I am able to let it go after. Sometimes I can go back and make a plan about what my next step is in an emotional situation. This way I can write out my frustrations and then make a rational rather than emotional reaction. It’s also just fun! I used to get journals for Christmas and I love buying them. I make a day out of it. I got to Chapters, buy new fancy pens, and a new pretty book, and go over to Starbucks, and start writing and drinking my fancy drinks.IMG_0224

I also just love reading my stuff from when I was a kid. I had some hilarious problems! From the boy crushes to the stories- hilarious. I also have memories from all of these trips I went on with my family! What’s funny too is that you can probably find every score for every single one of my brother’s hockey and soccer games! I LOVED going! It was one of my favorite things to do! As for my sister- her cheerleading and dance competitions were noted later on!

The new thing that’s out is bullet journaling- that looks so much fun! I never had the time to keep up with one, but I would love to start! Pinterest is definitely a great resource for starting! IMG_0225

You’re never too young or old to journal. Society gives off this image of moody teenagers angrily writing and people breaking that person’s privacy by reading to check in. Here’s my opinion about that: 1. You don’t have to use it for just problems. It’s a good way to document your life. Don’t worry about age. It’s for anyone and it records the good and the bad times. I’ve written daily about trips, games, good books, quotes to live by, good memories, movies I loved. But I’ve also written about the bad times to help me out- now these problems seem like nothing! Especially guys! I’ve definitely looked back and been like wtf was I thinking- even about the most recent! 2. It can be as private or as public as you want it to be. I’m still going through my 20s. The years of crossroads, anxiety about the future, and confusion about me making the right choices. Currently, it’s private. But one day I want it to be public to maybe my future kids can learn about me!

So write! And let me know what you think!

-Erin xo

Anxiety

Hi Dear Readers,

One reason for starting this blog was to be able to express myself and to write about whatever I wanted to. I wanted to use this space as a place where I could come to heal when times are tough. I’ve always found writing to be healing. Throughout my experience on here, I have written different articles that have helped me accept different pieces of my past or present. I have found that I’ve completely stopped thinking about them because they are at peace now! So on here, I feel like it’s time that I talk about my anxiety that I have had for many years.

I don’t remember when it all began, because it’s been such a big part of my life for so long that it feels like I’ve had more anxious moments than non- anxious. What’s kept my head afloat for all of these years is that I have an amazing support system! And I mean amazing! I am VERY close with my family. I can call anyone of them at any time and they will listen and give me the god honest truth. My friend’s have also been supportive. My best friend and I talk openly about our mental health. It’s apart of our daily conversations it seems. It’s like we check in with each, especially after either one of us has an episode. Like “hey how are you feeling now?.” This is all very important to both of us, because it is non-judgemental, and we are free to talk about whatever we want. We each have moments where we just break down and contact each other for moral support. This happens anytime/ anywhere. The other day she messaged me about how it was extremely important that she talk to face-to- face about something making her anxious. The time before that I had a panic attack and needed help. The point is, is that I have a good support group where I feel like I can talk about anything and no one will judge me. I’m not uncomfortable saying what I’m anxious about to anyone in my support system- I just know it’s something that has to be done. I also write. All the time. I have kept journals for years, and in every single one, I have talked for pages and pages about what’s making me anxious, sad, unhappy, whatever. I re-read them too. This way I can see what is it that is making me anxious, and then when I can target it, I write out my plan of attack. Like ok here’s a list of things I’m going to do to make this situation better. But most times it just feels good to write it all out. It’s checking in with yourself and the motion of actually writing versus typing or talking is soothing.

What do I get anxious about? It can literally be about anything. Here’s some of my day-to-day stuff:

  1. Time- I think a lot of people struggle with this. I sometimes feel like I struggle with all forms of time. Sometimes, I’m worried I’m going to late to work, so I start chewing my nails, fidgeting, yelling at traffic, speeding, etc. Sometimes it’s about age. Things like “ Oh my god I’m this old now and look where I’m at, I have no idea what I want, I work a crappy minimum wage job, when will my life start, am I getting to old for certain things, time is going by too fast, I’ll never be able to accomplish everything I had intended too, time is going fast and my dogs are getting older to fast which is worrying (this thought ALWAYS makes me cry), what if I die too soon? My parents and siblings are getting older. See? Time is worrying and scary and sometimes the anxiety I get worrying about it is crippling and other times I feel like I can push it away, distract myself.

2- Social Anxiety while being more of an extrovert. Yup. You’re probably thinking um what? Here’s the deal. I love meeting knew people! I find that I actually hate being alone most of the time! I always have my dogs, my family, or friends around. I do need sometime to myself to think about me, but I really don’t crave it that much. I love to go out and hang with people. I love sitting in cafes, or anything like that if I’m working. I love sitting with people in the same room at home doing our own thing, but still enjoying being around each other. However, I have social anxiety a lot of the time as well. Like I said, I love meeting people, but when I do, I get all weird and quiet and I completely change myself. I get anxiety about them not liking me for me. Will they be ok with how I look? What I’m wearing? Why is my voice sound emotionless and quiet? Why can’t I look them in the eye? With Dudes: Are they going to secretly be a serial killer? What if I like them and then they hurt me? What if this is all for nothing? What if they don’t like how I look- no they probably don’t? Is this me flirting? HOW DO I EVEN FLIRT? What if we sex? Am I even good at that anymore? Like what if they hate it though with me? What if they just want sex? Are they out of my league? What if I am alone forever? How do I even meet normal people? Oh god why are they messaging me? What if it gets awkward on a date, what do I say? This is just some of the stuff I can think of. In a relationship with a guy: do they like me? Do they still like me? Do they still like me?! What if they hate me? What if I made them super angry? How do I fix this problem that isn’t actually there that I invented? It’s worse with guys, girls I can relate to and I know I’m awesome at friendship- although there are still those people you are like friendship wise you might be out of my league, like you wouldn’t be caught dead hanging out with someone like me.

3- Irrational Fears- I have a lot of these VERY dumb fears that I shouldn’t even take time out of my day to stress over, but I do. Here’s an example, my parents went away last week so I watched the house. The whole time I was stressing about a break in and someone killing me. Every time my dogs went outside I locked the doors, but then I was like I would hate it more if they hurt them so I watched them out there the whole time, I locked the bathroom doors in case someone were to walk in while I was showering. I locked the door to my parents bedroom at night, so that I would be safe in there- just another lock for someone to get through if they broke in, any noise- I would mute and listen, I double and triple checked to make sure doors were locked. The list goes on for what I could be afraid of.

So, the last thing I wanted to talk about, because the post is SO long, is how I can tell when my anxiety is bad. Alright, so here’s what happens to me:

  1. I chew all of my nails off.
  2. I pull all of my hangnails off and pick at the skin until my fingers are bleeding.
  3. I’ve stopped writing.
  4. I anxiously cry a lot and may also hyperventilate
  5. My jaw is sore from grinding my teeth
  6. When was the last time I talked to someone again?
  7. I am fidgeting- I can’t focus on anything or I do in short spurts as in I’ll think about a lot of different things at once
  8. When you talk to me, I’m zoned out and not listening OR I’m talking to much about too many different topics
  9. I’m not really sleeping that well, and I’m hungry
  10. I’m irritated easily

All of these I don’t know I’m doing at the time, but when my fingers are sore and bleeding or my jaw hurts, it kicks in about what I’m doing and that I need to write or talk to someone asap.

I’m proud of how far I have come. I have tried different coping mechanisms over the years- some including self medication- and I have had some major downs. But it’s ok, because I learned the hard way and broke through to the other side! I’ve begun to learn how I can make my break through some of these fears and anxious moments. Sometimes you have to just act before you overthink. My gut is usually right, so I’ve been trusting that a lot more before I get the chance to overthink. Sometimes I can’t help the anxiety. So when I get to that point, other people or myself pick up on one or more of those 10 signs and talk it out to me or I talk it out/write it out. I also have some other things I do: yup I am a proud owner of a fidget cube- this helps me focus and also gives my hands something to do- especially if I am driving (I have a horrible habit of unlocking and locking my phone for no reason, or changing the radio station 30 million times even if I like the song playing), I get gel nails- these are unchewable! And also I’m less likely to pick the skin around my nails (sorry for the graphic details),I take a day or evening and relax using face masks and bath bombs, I instantly start writing, I usually message someone to talk or just meet someone to even hangout with- we don’t have to talk about my problem, but having someone there is what makes it easier for me. I have something soft on my bed. I used to sleep with a teddy bear for SO long and yes you guys can all judge and think it’s weird but having something soft was soothing. After it turned into soft blankets and now my dogs. People check it out! Texture was HUGE for me, and I realized that it helps me get to sleep to pet my dogs or have a nice fuzzy blanket. Sound is too. I have to listen to music and belt things out! Take the time to sing a song very off key!

Anyways, I really hope this page has helped you out in anyway! If you’re in a bad place, please seek help. You can get through this even if you feel like you can’t, and maybe those words aren’t comforting because you can’t control what’s happening to you, but that’s ok. I’m just speaking the truth to you and sometimes it’s nice to hear.

-Erin

A Day Off

Hey Lovely Readers!

I hope you guys had an awesome weekend! I know I did! Especially since I celebrated Canada’s 150th birthday! Happy Birthday Canada!

For my post today, I just wanted to talk a bit about my day off! I haven’t had a dayoff in 16 days…. I know it’s terrible! BUT now I’m feeling way better. I do want to emphasize how important it is to have your weekends off. And I mean completely off. Do not take your work home with you. Leave it there. If you feel like you need to get caught up, I usually give myself a max of 3 hours to work on work or homework, then take the rest of the day off. I normally do this, but the last couple weeks I forgot to do this and give myself time. When I do, do work or homework during this time period, I try to remove myself from my home situation. This way I can fully concentrate and either have some good food, coffee, or just sit at the library working.

Anyways, my day off was amazing. I watched Harry Potter…. again! I did some drawing. I Sorry to all my friends and family, but when my phone died, I took that as an opportunity to leave it plugged in, in my room and sat ignoring it. I had gotten so many crazy emails and texts from work that I decided that I was better without looking at it at all. I also am CRAZY breaking out right now, because I haven’t been doing my full beauty routine, SO I took this time to do a facemask and paint my nails- really relax. I just felt so refreshed and recharged! This allowed me to think deeply about a lot of things and write out my problems. I had free time to myself to feel better and so the next day I could come up with tasks to tackle the problems of the next week. This is super important to do! I cannot stress enough that your mental health is important!

For all you over- workers and school procrastinators- I do not recommend trying to do everything at once. I do this all the time! I do a two week stressful stint, and by the end I felt disgusting from using too much dry shampoo, sick because I spent my whole time worrying and stressed, tired because I hadn’t had proper sleep, and bloated because my diet suffered as well. When you are over- stressed, your body takes a toll to. Remember that. Your work, ideas, and even how you react to things are so much different and more clear when you’ve slept, and eaten properly. I also suffer from some bad anxiety, when I get over- worked, so I recommend making lists. I may make 3 different lists, but it keeps me calm and allows me to have a plan of attack. I feel better when I write it down and remember versus just having anxious and an overfilled brain full of things I need to do.

I hope this helps you! If you need too, copy my day off! Put in a good movie, do a facemask and put your feet up! You deserve it!

-Erin